My biggest fans

Winter time is a struggle for me because of the cold, gloomy weather. This winter has especially been challenging. I really DO NOT enjoy snow. I had my fill growing up outside Syracuse NY. I tend to have a seasonal mood disorder when winter sets in. I even go to a tanning bed occasionally to snap out of it. Although I struggle with this on a daily basis, I am still trying to live my life and do things to make my parents proud. I hope they can see all that my family and I have accomplished. I am not quite sure why I always look for their approval, even when they are gone, but I do. Will this go away?
In April, it will be two years since my Mother passed away, and in July nine years since my father passed. One of the most difficult things to deal with after losing both parents is realizing that you no longer have your biggest fans. Sure I messed up a lot as a teen, and even as a young adult, but deep down I knew may parents thought I was amazing! I feel a little lost lately without the encouragement from them. My husband tries his best, but there is nothing like the encouragement you get from your parents, no matter how old you are.
My daughter's are both wise beyond their years. I speak openly with them about my grieving process so that they can understand what I am feeling. I actually think losing three of their grandparents has made them the compassionate, thoughtful girls they are today. We speak of my parents and my father-in-law often, to try to help them remember. The memories for them are fading, but the love has gotten stronger.
Today would have been my parents anniversary. I know they are holding hands walking by the water planning a fabulous dinner together. The love they had for each other made me what I am today. They did the best they could with what they had learned from their parents, just like I am doing for my girls. I just realized today that my biggest fans were my parents, and for most of my life I was their biggest fan too. I had forgotten to tell them that, and hope that they know. I am the luckiest Mom in the world because my girls, being so wise, told me when they saw me writing that they are my biggest fans now. I smiled hugging and whispered how proud I am of them both and that I too, would always be their biggest fan.

You Tube

My book "The Day I Saw a Dragonfly" is now on You Tube. Check it out!!

Feeling Lonely

I never realized until the past few weeks that whenever I was lonely in the past, I would call my Mom.
My husband has had to travel a lot for work recently and I am feeling like I am forgetting something each evening before I go to bed. I realize it may be because he isn't here. I do, however, think that if my parents were still alive I would probably call them a lot when my husband is out of town. I miss them terribly and being alone with my thoughts reminds me of that simple fact.
I really wonder sometimes if it is normal to think about missing my parents as much as I do. I didn't think of them as often when they were alive, so why do I think of them so often now? I just find that to be a little strange. How can I teach myself to not think of them each day? I try so hard to hear their voices in my head. Is that strange? I am really scared I am going to forget what their voices sounded like.
Anyway, that is what I think about when I am feeling lonely.

The Spookiest Day of the Year!!

I love Halloween! It is so fun to dress up and be silly, scarey, pretty, or whatever you choose on this fun day!! I love the smiles on my girls faces when my husband and I dress up and join in all the fun.
I have wonderful childhood memories of Trick or Treating in a small town where everyone wanted to come to my house because my Dad put on a Halloween Show every year!! I was so proud of him that day!! His costume was always kept a secret until he came out of his room in character. I loved the band Kiss as a tween, and my Dad came out dressed like Gene Simmons one year! He looked exactly like him!! That was a great Halloween!!
When I put on my costume each year, I hope I am creating memories for my children that they will have with them forever.
Happpy Halloween!!

I survived

Okay, so my Birthday came and went. It was a great Birthday. My daughters are so sweet, they made me a graham cracker beach house complete with ocean, sand, beach umbrella chairs, as well as a snack shack. They know me all too well.
The hubby was great too, made breakfast and we all went to dinner!! An all around fantastic day.
Unfortunately for me, my new normal is that at least part of the day is spent wishing my Mom and Dad would call me and sing Happy Birthday. They always did that every year. Deep down inside I am waiting for the phone to ring to hear the voices I haven't heard in so long. It is amazing how often I think of my parents now that they aren't here.
I wonder if they know I think of them? I hope they do. I hope they know I realize now that they did the best they could as parents, even though we didn't always agree. That is all any of us can do is our best. If we leave earth knowing we did our best, hopefully the afterlife is spent with no regrets!! I, however, don't want to have any regrets in this life either. Maybe if I live my life on earth with no regrets, when I go, my children will be happy I lead such an amazing life with them!

Giving back

There is something about the rain and the chilly weather that makes me remember to donate to people less fortunate than me. I like to go through my warm clothes and donate what myself and my family never wear.
Today while shopping at the Giant I was reminded out in front of the store that our local food bank was collecting non-parishable items. I gave some canned goods and the group was so thankful! I was saddened when I saw 4 or 5 people walk right by not even looking up and smiling when these people spoke directly to them. This really upset me! They could just smile even if they couldn't give anything. Remember to not be too busy this season to look up and see who is speaking to you. This is going to be a tough holiday season for a lot of your neighbors! We need to pull together and help each other out! Remember that your Dragonfly may be around watching you!

Birthday Blues

I have been on cloud nine since my New Orleans trip.  I had such a great time with my sister, in an awesome City.  I love the fact that she was there with me for such an important event.  We also celebrated my Birthday together for the first time in at least 20 years. I really enjoyed August, the restaurant we went to.  I feel very blessed having her in my life.
Although, my week was fantastic in New Orleans, I hit an emotional wall today that I wasn't expecting.  I really wanted to tell my Mom and Dad about my interview.  I also miss having them be a part of my Birthday.  My Dad and I almost shared the same Birthday, so we always celebrated together, and when I was not living at home, I always spoke to both my Mother and Father a lot during my Birthday week.  I guess this week is hard because I feel that something is missing,  I didn't realize this until today when I had the urge to talk to them both. 
My mother always made Birthday's so fun.  Every year I asked for a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.  The funny thing is that now as an adult, I prefer spice cake with vanilla frosting, and I remember my Dad loving that kind of cake.  Is it possible that we change in order to keep memories alive in our life?  Do I like spice cake now because of my memory of my father?
Anyway, This will be an interesting week.  I will be looking for a Dragonfly for sure!