Thursday, February 4, 2010

My biggest fans

Winter time is a struggle for me because of the cold, gloomy weather. This winter has especially been challenging. I really DO NOT enjoy snow. I had my fill growing up outside Syracuse NY. I tend to have a seasonal mood disorder when winter sets in. I even go to a tanning bed occasionally to snap out of it. Although I struggle with this on a daily basis, I am still trying to live my life and do things to make my parents proud. I hope they can see all that my family and I have accomplished. I am not quite sure why I always look for their approval, even when they are gone, but I do. Will this go away?
In April, it will be two years since my Mother passed away, and in July nine years since my father passed. One of the most difficult things to deal with after losing both parents is realizing that you no longer have your biggest fans. Sure I messed up a lot as a teen, and even as a young adult, but deep down I knew may parents thought I was amazing! I feel a little lost lately without the encouragement from them. My husband tries his best, but there is nothing like the encouragement you get from your parents, no matter how old you are.
My daughter's are both wise beyond their years. I speak openly with them about my grieving process so that they can understand what I am feeling. I actually think losing three of their grandparents has made them the compassionate, thoughtful girls they are today. We speak of my parents and my father-in-law often, to try to help them remember. The memories for them are fading, but the love has gotten stronger.
Today would have been my parents anniversary. I know they are holding hands walking by the water planning a fabulous dinner together. The love they had for each other made me what I am today. They did the best they could with what they had learned from their parents, just like I am doing for my girls. I just realized today that my biggest fans were my parents, and for most of my life I was their biggest fan too. I had forgotten to tell them that, and hope that they know. I am the luckiest Mom in the world because my girls, being so wise, told me when they saw me writing that they are my biggest fans now. I smiled hugging and whispered how proud I am of them both and that I too, would always be their biggest fan.

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